Dean found solace in his dad’s bed.
With Sam gone, the very real possibility that they might never see each other again looming over him, he didn’t feel safe anywhere but pressed against John’s chest. He’d curled up like a child, stared at the wall, imagined that Sammy would come bursting through the door any second.
But he wouldn’t.
The silence in the room was somehow worse than it ever had been without Sam.
His eyes burned, his lip trembled as his body dared him to cry. Dared him to break down and heave sobs while John lied beside him, seemingly unaware of Dean’s turmoil.
“Baby,” he finally said when Dean’s shoulders started jerking. “Don’t cry over him. He gave it up.”
That only made it worse.
“We were supposed to stay together. That’s what you wanted,” he said softly, his voice as brittle as old bones.
Dean shut down—his heart was aching for Sam and he didn’t think anything could fix him.
John slid Dean’s pants down to his knees, stroking the backs of his thighs. He exhaled softly, tears starting to brim as John cupped his ass. Dean could hear him whispering, calling him a “good boy” as he fondled Dean’s ass and thighs. The praise felt good even if he knew he didn’t deserve it, not when he failed Sam and John both.
“Stay still, baby,” John said against the back of his head.
Dean heard him spit, then felt his hand slide between his thighs to half-heartedly lube him. His lip continued to quake as John replaced his hand with his cock. He moaned, any warm crevice was good enough for him, and he pulled his hips back. John was gentle with Dean for once, he thrust between his thighs slowly and made him moan in spite of the tears spilling down his face.
John held his hips and moved him gently, treated Dean like he was actually worth something, and yet he still couldn’t think about anything but Sammy. He wanted him here, he wanted to see him, to hold him, to always know that he was okay. Dean wanted to hear his low breathing while he slept, and feel Sam brush past him coming out of the shower. Though John was treating him better than Dean deserved, that didn’t fill the Sam-sized pit in his stomach. That didn’t bring him home from California.